day 4: 9:42am

CRISIS AVERTED

Woke up this morning at about 8 o'clock (forgot to set my alarm, long story) and I felt generally pretty good. The fact that I woke up without an alarm at a decent hour should tell you something, but maybe you don't know my sleeping habits as well as you should. tsk, tsk. In any case, I did what any self-respecting master cleanser does every morning, I made some lukewarm water, dropped in the sea salt, shook it up, and chugged it like I was doing a beer bong at a frat party. And I waited and waited and waited. I wait as long as I can before I "go" because I want to try to get it all out at once, you see.

Why, you ask? Think of a time when you've had really bad diarrhea and you had to constantly go to the bathroom. Think of how raw your ass got after wiping all the time. I like to try to keep that to a minimum, so I like to try to get it all out at once. If you don't already, buy the plushest toilet paper you possibly can (I am strictly a two-ply tp man 24/7/365), and some people recommend you pick up some Tucks witch hazel wipes. I haven't used the Tucks yet, but I picked some up just in case. I have been known to use baby wipes during this process as well, or even just a good ol' shower.

Anyway, so I do my business (clumpy, due in no doubt to the psyllium husks and bentonite, and... watery), which takes quite a bit of time, enough to play a full game of Risk on the iPhone (the luxtouch app) and I went on to get ready for work.  Just as I was about to walk out the door, I had to go again. Squirts. So, like I said, be very careful that you are done before you leave the house.

Just saying.